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06 August 2012

Do you know where you're going to?

I think this will be my last post here about my struggle..about how I feel deep inside my soul.. from now on, while I am still making things better for my kids and start a new life just the three of us, I will try to spend more time painting, I will try my best to tweet more often about my progress in creating, and upload my photos and paintings in my new online gallery..and I will try to continue writing my book...
...no idea how I will have the energy and strength to do all this, as I still feel so drained down emotionally and physically.

But before I finish writing in public about the my pain I am still going through, I want to reply in public to this comment I’ve received from someone, who was very special to me not too long ago…I don’t want to write down his name, as he choose to reply to me here as “Anonymous”….no idea why he done that, but I want to keep his privacy, because it’s very important to me not to hurt his feelings…

“I completely disagree. I am sorry you are going through so much pain and turmoil in your life, but I do strongly disagree. Character isn't determined by wealth. Integrity doesn't know rich or poor, young or old, good family or bad family. We ALL have problems and suffering. Character and integrity are generated within the heart and soul. How you choose to handle the challenges that life throws at you does shine a light on the person you are on the inside. We can fake many things and fool many people. However, When faced with great challenges or adversary, a persons real character tends to reveal itself. Own your actions and take responsibility for the things you do. There have been some incredible individuals that have suffered tremendously and have not used their circumstance as a crutch or excuse to fail. Oprah Winfrey, J.K. Rowling, and Liz Murray are a few examples of women that refused to fail. I really have no idea why I have affected you the way I have. Your affections towards me are undeserved and unwarranted. I wish you a full and happy life, but I cannot help you in your situation. You became fixated on a public persona. You don't really know me at all. You must learn to find your strength and take care of yourself and your children. I am not the love of your life, I am not even your friend. I am a guy you've never met and yet you have somehow become fixated on. Obsessing over my tweets and facebook postings is not healthy. I know you will find your light at the end of the tunnel, stay strong and focused. I wish you the very best of luck in your life, but will you kindly stop with all of this obsession with me? please.

Posted by Anonymous to Dreaming...MGMart at July 10, 2012 9:10 AM “

I know with this reply to you, I will make my life even harder as it is. I know some people will use it against me in my next divorce hearing, but I don’t care, I still publish it, because it's the truth and I only have one life.
I want to clear things up with you here publicly….as I have nothing to hide, I am not a liar or a cheater.

After I read your comment at the first time a few weeks ago, it’s hit me so badly and I wished you never replied to it, like you always ignored me on Facebook….I feel so embarrassed, humiliated, and I feel ashamed of myself who I am..

I’ve promised myself I will never write to you again and will not write on my blog either...then how the days passed by, more things happened to me ..things got worst, and I just couldn't stop myself to read your comment again and again... and it's give me a very mixed feelings and I have to reply here to you publicly, because I realized you feel safer to reply to me in public…like you did many times on Twitter..even it’s meant a total humiliation for me, as your fans/followers judged me without knowing the whole story and sent me nasty tweets…but that doesn’t matter anymore….

I have to reply, as it's a terrible feeling you still don't understand me, you still misjudge me, even I wrote to you daily what happening to me and how I can cope with that in the past months. Reading at your comment, you still think of me I am a weak, bad person who can’t get her life in order…
What hurts me the most, you are still writing to me like I am a stranger to you..even you know me more than anybody in this world...
I can't understand why people believe they need to have a body contact to know someone truly.

When I was a child I heard this idiom “before someone hurts your feelings, always look who is saying it, not what they are saying…”
All my life I lived by this saying, that’s how I saved my feelings and my soul deep inside me, that’s how I survived my life until now….but I took an exception with you.. now I know that was a mistake, as I realized now you will NEVER understand me...even you are trying to be all that cool, caring, regular guy for your twitter and Facebook "friends"...but until you are living in a luxury lifestyle..you will never understand me…..and I can't blame you for that.. it's not your fault.

You are lucky to not go through what I had to go through all my life, especially in the past months….You will never understand me, it was very, very stupid of me to think, you will ever understand my feelings, and who I am…and it’s not your fault.
I am not wishing to anybody to go through and make a decisions what I had to do since last year April.
Nobody can live my life, only me.

I am so so sorry, I never wanted to hurt your feelings.
Please believe me, I did not wanted to hurt you, as you was so important to me, but with that examples I used in my earlier post, was the only way I thought you might can understand me, but obviously you took it in the wrong way. I can see it in your reply, the way you wrote it, and the words you have used.
It's so easy for you to write all that stuff about integrity and character.. maybe if I have the same circumstances as you do, that could be true..but in "real" life it's just not working that way.

Yes, I DO own my actions.
Yes, I DO take responsibility for every each of them I made in all my life, and you are the ONLY ONE who know all this for sure, as you know so much about me now, because I believed you were my friend and I wrote to you honestly down everything how I feel, and all my thoughts.
But I understand now, you don't want to be my friend anymore…I wish you told me the truth in the right of the beginning, when you wrote “you very much want to be my friend”… but obviously, you did not meant that words..you let me down big time, but at least I know now I am totally alone in this world…I can not write to you again.

You are saying I am using my circumstances as a crutch or excuse to fail….no, I am not.
I try to get out of my bad circumstances alone, without anyone’s help.
You might think, I only wrote publicly about my problems, to make people sorry for me…I never ever wanted people feel sorry for me…because it’s hurts me to know I make people upset when I tell them something what happened to me…it’s makes me sad and cry to see them upset...they always think I am crying because of my pain coming out of me, but I am crying for them they have to listen to my problems, as everyone have enough problem without mine…so now on I will have to keep inside myself again how I really feel…and only cry when nobody can see it, when I am alone..

You see, you still can’t understand why I had to write in public about my problems, how I ended up in the situation, what I found myself in last year April.
That was the only way what my circumstances let me to do, as I lived with that man in a domestic violence marriage for 15 years.
And I realized it last year, the only reason the ex could threat me bad that long, because I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on behind closed doors. Even in the last few years he did not needed to hit me physically to hurt me, it was enough how he was looking at me or say things to me…or spit in my face….I lived in fear all the time, because I didn’t know when he will turn on me…doesn’t matter what I say or do, he was always find the reason to be nasty to me…
.
I realized it, if I write in public, that is the only way I can deal with the ex. Because abusers like him, are not like it if other people do know about them how they are hurting their victims, because they want to impress the “outsiders” to think they are good people…

I always own my actions and I am responsible for them, that was the reason I decided to write publicly what was happening with me in the past..
I was never hid behind “anonymous” ..I always put my name to every writings I done in my life.. I don’t regret anything in my life, as it’s made me a person who I am now…even I feel weak and bad…but that’s me, I can’t change it……

Since you told me “to be true to myself”, I am trying so hard to be true to myself in the circumstances I am in at the moment, and that’s why I had to write in public about my mistakes and my pains…I don’t want to be pretend anymore….because I realized if I lie to myself, I do lie to others too..and it doesn’t make me feel any better even I know now, they were unintentional "lies".
While I was married, I had no other choice, but to keep hiding my sad feelings, to pretend in public everything is ok, but I did that unintentionally to save my family…I wasn’t aware the ex was manipulating me since the beginning of our relationship. ….now I know, but it’s too late……and even now all that stuff I gone through, all that horrible things I found out about the ex, it’s still makes me feel unsure…is that all worth it???
It was all worth it to ruin everything around me???…as I am slowly losing EVERYTHING what was very important to me not long ago….and that makes me think more often:…maybe I should just kept living in denial?… even after I realized it my life worth nothing to live like how I lived next to the ex……

…oh, well….

…yes, character does shine through most of our actions, but only in the way how our circumstances let them to show….I don't think you will ever understand what I mean about that…it’s really hard to explain what I mean, I was never good with words..
..I am sad you will never understand me, you will never know what I gone through and what is still ahead of me to survive all this horrible things, but it's not your fault not to understand what I mean, what I tried to explain to you in my earlier post…as I said, nobody can live my life only me, and no one ever will feel how I feel.

I feel very bad to wanted to be your friend so badly. I never wanted you to do things what you wasn't willing to do for me. You should have told me much earlier in last year April I am annoying you...

And what making things worst, I can’t even write properly in English, because my English vocabulary is not good enough to write about serious realizations about life….maybe one day I will take proper English grammar lessons, because I only learned 2-3 months in the English language school when I was 27 years old, and that wasn’t really much, was only the very basic English…that time I met the ex and I moved to the UK with him and got married, then I was learning to speak and write by myself from books, newspapers and everyday life while I was out shopping…anyway…going back to your comment....

It’s hurts me, when you pick that three women out of the thousands of other women who couldn't change their life for better.

That three women was the lucky ones, because someone helped them by believing them, see they got talent for something, and helped them achieve their dreams…I know, I read their life story.
What about the rest of the thousands of women who never made it…..who been killed by their abusers, according to the latest UK report http://uk.news.yahoo.com/domestic-abuse-hidden-emergency-061039052.html

..and what about the ones who committed suicide, because they had no strength to keep going and “fighting" for their rights, and that was the only way out of their problems??….. I know for some people suicide it’s the easier way to get out of their problems, but I think it’s such a wrong thing to do, it’s not fair on the loved ones….

Where are them women, who still live with their abusive partner, because they haven’t realized how their partner treating them it's not normal??…or even they realized it and they still can't tell anyone, because they been emotionally blackmailed ..or they just simply haven't got any place to go...

Just searched up the word “abuser”, to make sure I write it properly, and I come across this article http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml , which frightened me so much, as nearly everything what was wrote there did happened to me too in a very similar way. If you will take your time and read that story, you might can understand what I had to go through, that gives you a glimpse of my daily life, how I had to live next to the ex, and why I realized it too late I was a victim of psychical and emotional abuse, for 15.5 years...how he was playing his dirty games on me, just because I believed in marriage and trust.

And the other things, them three women have one in common, they are American and English citizens…..please give me one Hungarian female name with kids who managed to become someone by herself alone, and haven't used her “good look” to become someone...

So, you are using all them big words, like integrity and character....what’s hurts me the most, I was honest with you from right of the beginning...but I feel you wasn’t honest with me, because you let me write nearly every day and let me believe you was my friend...I wish you told me right of the beginning, in last year April or May, to stop writing to you…

And the other thing, please stop believing you are the "love of my life" ..I wrote to you months ago I was wrong….I made a huge, huge mistake to think you are the one for me….
I told you so many times, I didn’t know why I developed this weird connection with you.
I made a big mistake, by having that strong feeling I can trust you to write down everything what is in my heart, how your existence gave me the strength to be true to myself and think of my past and what I want to do in the future...

That time I had those feelings for you, and to started to knowing you I thought real love does exist in this world...
..that time you made me feel like a real woman… what I never felt like that before…but I realized it now, it was just a withdrawing syndrome of getting out of a long abusive marriage…

The thing is, I never ever cheated on my ex-husband while we were married, I never ever looked or think of any other man since I know him. The only mistake I have ever done in my life is to believe I felt love for you …and even how I felt for you, that wasn’t the reason I decided to end my marriage.

You was NEVER EVER the reason I wanted to divorce the ex…when I started to knowing you, you was only making me wake up from a “nightmare” and open up my eyes…your existence gave me the strength to have my self-respect back and to be true to myself….I told you many times, I had this stress attacks over a year before I “met” you on twitter. So when the ex still try to blame YOU in court for divorcing him, I don’t feel guilty at all, because I know the truth…I know you was never ever the reason to leave him.
 I wrote this down for you many times, but now I have to write it all down here publicly too, because I have nothing to hide, I am not a cheater, I never was and I never will!

My soul is clean…when my time come, when my life will end in this world and if God exist, I can stand front of him without feeling any quilt, because I always lived my life in a way to not to hurt anyone intentionally, I was always trying my best telling the truth all my life, I own my actions, even if sometimes I had to do things in the way, what was hurting me or others to do, but that was the only best of the worst options to deal with that particular matter.

Do you remember I wrote to you that time, back in April 2011? ..I will not saying nothing to the ex I want to divorce him until he is home for 3 weeks and I will tell him when he will be due to go back to England, because I was scared of his reaction…but I couldn’t pretend everything is ok..
I wanted to be true to myself and others around me and I told him that evening I want to finish our marriage…the weirdest thing was, I felt to not to say the truth that night and wait for 3 weeks, and pretend everything is ok….and go to sleep in the same bedroom where he is sleeping….even only for sleeping, as I haven’t had sex with the ex since December 2010…and nobody else ever since.. ..so to even just sleep in the same room with that man, even he was my "husband"….I felt that would be not fair on YOU….I know it’s sound crazy stupid, but that’s how I felt that time.
I felt is not fair on you, as you and me knew the truth, because a few days before I realized how he was treating me wasn’t normal, that when I read that domestic violence website the first time, and realized what he done to me and then I decided to divorce him, as I realized he was causing me pain intentionally because it's makes him happy to hurt me...
I felt it’s wrong to stay with someone, even he was still my husband that time, and pretend and lie, when you and me knew the truth, how I felt about him…I wanted to stay honest to you and myself, to keep to my decision to divorce him, even that’s meant a total devastation for the people around me…I choose the hard way to be true to myself, but I had to do it, because that was the only right way to get out of an abusive relationship….but the thing is I am “happy” I was true to myself that time, and I am proud of myself I told him the truth that night and finished our marriage...it’s better for the kids too, as I realized it’s not good for them either to see their mother been hurt by their father…what that teach them to keep living like that??? ..even it’s hard all the three of us, because he is still causing problems and stress, even he is not living with us anymore. That’s why I want to be independent from him financially, not to rely on his child support, even by law the kids right to receiving it from him.

The other thing is I wanted to clear here with you. Every time when I wrote to you how I feel about you, I was sort of scared what will you write back to me…not because I was worried you will say you don’t want me..more like I was scared to receive a reply back from you…you DO want me…

I know it’s sound very stupid, but every time I was writing about what feelings I have towards you, I wanted a reply back from you, like: “don’t be silly, I am only your friend…” and do you know what? if I ever got a reply back from you to actually tell me the truth how you feel nothing about me, that could have helped me…I know you wrote once in the beginning, but that wasn’t about how you “feel or not feel” about me…you tried to explain to me, my feelings are wrong…you never wrote it down to me, how YOU feel …and you just let me keep writing to you and I read your silence in the wrong way…as I thought if someone writing to me, and I don't like it, I would write back to that person straight away and tell I am not interested at all in him, like I did with some film producer guy on facebook and I blocked him....

I still remember the feelings I had that time, what would happen if you write back to me you want me as your love…I know it for sure, if you would ever wrote me things like that, I would never wrote to you again…I know that for sure.
As I am scared even just from the thoughts if we will ever meet one day in real, because how I felt for you was more emotional than physical …even sometimes sounded other ways…I know, if we would have a chance to meet in real, I would be quite embarrassed by the messages I have sent to you sometimes, that was just a stupid delusional dreams about you.

I know now, to think about you, that helped me not to think my real life problems…to have those stupid dreams about you, imagine you are in love with me, and how would it feel if you kissed me… was helping me to get though my days since I filed a divorce papers in, and how I realised more and more horrible stuff from the ex how the days passed….to found out he was cheated on me with my own sister, my friends, and to found out about them extreme and underage porn on his hard drive.. I felt and still feel pretty stupid not to notice anything who I was trusting and living with that long…

...so to think real love does exist in this world, it helped me to get through my days…now I know I was very stupid and inconsiderate to you..I am so sorry…and even I so would like to “make love” just once in my life…but I know that for sure now, that will never happen…because I will not trust anybody anymore....and I rather not have any sex with anybody again…I don’t need physical contact like that with anybody, just the sake of having it…if I can’t have a real love, I rather want nothing and be alone…and now I know real love is not exist for me, because I am incapable to have it....

..I thought that time we have something very special connection between us, but I was wrong..I am so sorry to make you believe you are the “love of my life”…I am very sorry, I didn’t wanted to hurt your feelings.

When I "met" you on twitter, I felt this warm, secure feeling in my heart and I felt I can write down what is deep in my heart once in my life, I felt your soul so close to me....

I had this very strong instinct for you…I wish I know why I felt like that..and now it's just makes me feel very sad deep in my heart to bothered you that long..I feel bad I hurt your feelings, but that was unintentional as I would never ever want to hurt you.
I was never interested in a way who you are, how “rich” are you, or what a well known family you are came from.....even you was/are always mentioning and give a hint out on twitter and facebook, but I tried to ignore that, because I am only interested in you, who you are in your soul without your bank statement... that was never important to me..them facts about you just made me feel even more worthless and poor...I wish you are just a regular guy, that way you wouldn't done things what you did to me...
I was always only interested in you..just YOU, who you are deep in your heart and soul..just a person who you are, when you look at yourself in the mirror, when you are alone ...

I told you before, we all came to this world with one thing, and that is our soul….and when the time come in everyone’s life, you can not take anything else with you, only your soul...the memories and the feelings inside your spirit...that time money, fame will be not important anymore...

..so when you are telling me I was fixated on a public persona it's really hurts me, because it’s showing how less you think of me….and in the same time how less you think of yourself too….it's must be a horrible feeling when you think people only want to be your friend just because your so called “rich family” or your “famous” friends...

You are really hurting my feelings to say that to me..obviously you don't know me at all..and that hurts…I was honest with you all this time..all my words were true and came from my heart..that was all me....I wish one day you will stop being so blind and see who I am really, and maybe you will want to talk to me and call me up and we could become friends… but saying that, makes me think what an earth you want to be my friend for??? ..because I am very depressed at the moment and I am not a person who could cheer you up, like other young girls do in your life, writing funny and cool things to you to make you laugh..so I just answered my own question ..you really don't need me in you life, you have enough problems, than listen to mine..

Sorry I was bothering you for over a year.. I am sorry, I wanted too much from you..I wanted to be your true friend, your soul mate ..I really felt you are very similar to me, I thought you are just like me inside my soul..but I was wrong.

I wanted to write about your “real life” friend Kristen Stewart, how much is hurting me you are defending her, even she was cheated on her love Robert Pattinson …

You said to me “Character and integrity are generated within the heart and soul. How you choose to handle the challenges that life throws at you does shine a light on the person you are on the inside. We can fake many things and fool many people. However, When faced with great challenges or adversary, a persons real character tends to reveal itself” ….looking at them photos, it does revealed her character….

The other thing I wanted to ask, how would you feel if that was YOU who she was cheated on, even "only" kissing another man???

I guess all your “friends, fans and followers” would call her names, like they did to me, when I was only made you angry with my tweets and letters…so before you judge or defend someone, make sure you are looking at things in different point of views...as it's really hurts when someone is cheating on you, who you was trusting...

It's hurts me nobody ever defended me..I have to do everything alone, even I really need a real friend who I can take advice from and who can inspire me to keep going...as people around me “knocking” me down, when I tell them about the way I want to start a new life..it’s easier not to tell anyone anything anymore.

I saw you already deleted a few of your tweets, how things was developing between Rob, Kris and Rupert. Is that mean she was telling you things and in the few hours was turned out the photos wasn’t photo shopped??
And I just can’t understand, why is she really upset for? To lose Rob or because she got exposed and everyone can see who is she really??
How I see it, she have no reason to cry and be upset, because she is not a victim, she was the one who caused the problem herself by cheating on her “love”...

Whatever.. I don’t care, as I was never a “fan type” of person, I never really read gossips about other people’s personal life, I just came across with them in the news, because of your name made headlines now.

…anyway it’s not my business, I have enough problem of my own, but I just wish you can actually see what is really going on in real life..who your “real life friends” are… I just don’t want to see you be hurt by anyone, because you believe them…you are a good person, you are very compassionate, please look after yourself and don’t be blinded by a pretty face…I just wish you can see beneath her words, what person is inside her…
I hope I am wrong, and she is a good person and worth to fight for….

I just don’t want you to fall in the same trap like I did with the ex, I only started to see the real person inside him, the shallow, manipulative, emotionless selfish someone who was using me….and not to mention my own sister, who I was defending so many times, I trusted her..I loved her so much….and look what she done to me too…it’s hurts me so much….

I know to opening up my heart to you had it's 'benefits" because made me think of my life and where I am heading.
Without you, I really believe I would have died from the pain in my heart what was building up over the years...I am sort of "happy" I met you accidentally on twitter...but in the same time knowing you hurts me so much, because I realized it I lost you forever now.

I never had a real friend in all my life, as I was always kept my deep thoughts and feelings in myself, because deep down I knew nobody will ever understand me who I am…..I made a mistake to open up for you, but I am not regretting it, as I started to know myself better by just writing to you, even you hardly wrote back to me...I feel still so very confused about what is going on around me, what is my life about..why I have to be here in this world...yes I do know, I am a mother for my two kids and they need me. They are the reason I get up every morning...

..so maybe that's why I had to paint sometimes, when my emotions was just too much to hide them inside me....the only time I feel free in my soul, when I am standing front of the blank white canvas and let my hands express how I feel deep inside me...maybe if you look at my latest painting in the bottom of this post, what I just finished a few days ago……maybe you would understand how I feel..I know it's looks horrible, but I don't care what people think of me looking at it...a few days ago, one of my sleepless nights I wanted to paint something "sellable" nice romantic stuff, hoping to earn some money with it....but my feelings inside me was stronger than my will...and once I finished the eye, I was trying to write some words on the background to express my emotions..but I wasn’t happy with it, so how I was smoothing the writing out with my palette knife...then something gone over me and I just started scratch the lines, and how the noise of the palette knife was hitting the canvas and when I saw the white background came through the dark oil paint...in the weird way that made me feel better..it was like a therapy for me..I felt some pain from my past what I was hiding deep inside me, just came to surface for everyone to see it...and when I finished scratching the wounds ..it's gave me a warm feeling in my heart and my spirit freed up a little, like I was flying for a few moments…it was a very weird, but very nice feeling...I know it's sound crazy, but that how I felt on that night when I was creating that painting, and every time I am look at it, gives me that good feeling, even it will look a bit scary for some people..

So that's how I feel exactly inside me, cried out all my tears and only my blood can come out..I feel I have turned inside out to show my scars in my soul...it's very hard to explain with words how I really feel..it's must sound I am insane..I am so sorry to bother you with this stupid long message, I don’t think you will ever read it….and even if you read it, you don’t want to understand me..and why would you care about me?? ..I am not even your friend, as you said to me earlier..and the only advice you will give me to get some professional help....but I still wanted to write down a last time for you how I feel...how you make me feel...

Thank you for "helping" me unintentionally to change my life for better, even it's ruined at the moment, but I am hoping one day things will get better for me..
One last thing I wanted to ask, did you received my painting last year what I made for your nephew?? What you was doing with it?? ..as you promissed you will take a photo for me, but you never did...that's hurts me so much not knowing what happened with my gift I made for him...

I wish you all the best and I hope you will find someone who can make you feel trully loved and make you feel happy in your soul...make you stop feeling lonely in your heart when your are sleepless at nights..
I am so so sorry to make you sad sometimes, you are a good person and stay that way...

The thing is, I am so very tired of explaining myself to people..it's my last attempt.... it's just prove it, I was wrong to open up..now I try to keep my thoughts and feelings inside me again…. I hope I can achieve my dreams one day…or I will fail big time..

10 July 2012

..to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man...

Since I've read someones tweet in the beginning of April..I just can't stop thinking about it, as I totally disagree with it. I thought I can forget about it, but I need to write it down now how I feel... I want that person to understand me, who I am really....
So this was the tweet, what is playing in my mind for over two months now:

"It's hard for every single person out there. We ALL have problems. It's how we choose to deal with them that defines us."
.
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I HAVE to reply to this tweet, as it's effecting my life at the moment, what happened to me in the last months, and I don't think my actions defined me who I am really...so, here is my opinion:

It's not how we choose to deal with our problems defines us..It's the way of our CIRCUMSTANCES let us to choose to deal with our problems that defines us.

So it will be always our circumstances what we was born in, are the ones what defines our actions, but not defines us as a person...what kind of feelings we have deep inside our hearts..WHO WE  REALLY ARE..or who we want to be.... Please let me explain:

Imagine... you realize it one day, everything you believed in was a LIE..your life was built on lies..you tried your best to make people HAPPY around you, because you was caring for them, you gave your life for them, you just wanted to give them a better life what you had when you was a child...you wanted to give them a father....and by that you was lying to yourself unintentionally...
Then one day you realized it, you CAN NOT carry on like that anymore...something happened to you..accidentally you "met" someone who made you think about yourself just for once...made you think how you really feel...made you remember your DREAMS, what you buried deep inside you a very long time ago, because that was what other people wanted from you...

..that special person made you STOP and LOOK BACK on your life, what you have achieved...and by that: made you think about where you are GOING in life...

...because to keep going on like how you lived before, made you realize it, that will kill you very very soon, as you become sick physically by being unhappy...you forgot how to smile..not like just a grin on your face, but smile from your heart....

..and after when you have realized, you HAVE TO change your life, and you are trying to be TRUE TO YOURSELF just once in your life...

..so you try to change your life for better, by leaving a bad situation, and try to start new....
.. but how the days pass, instead of things should get better, you realise everything is against you... accidentally you find out more and more horrible things from your ex husband, who you was trusting for 15.5 years..
...so you try to change your life for better, but you just can't do it, as you became financially insecure.. because you can not work and create as you used to..
..as your nerves giving up on you... you can not concentrate.. your hands are shaking all the time.. you find yourself you HAVE to write about your PRIVATE LIFE in public, to let your customers know why you can't create and take on new orders anymore.. why you are acting so weird lately... why you had to close some of your shops..

...you are slowly ruining yourself even more financially and emotionally......

You try it so hard, but every angle you try to move on, you just can not BRAKE OUT of a CIRCLE you found yourself in.... so your circumstances what you was born in, finally RUIN you, and make you to CHOOSE to DEAL with your problems the way you really DO NOT want to.. but you have to do it, even that will be mean, everything is around you will be totally ruined...you know you will lose everything what was so important to you before, but that doesn't matter anymore, as you realized it, everything you was believed in, and what you was building your life on was just a lie...

So it's not always our FREE CHOICE to deal with our problems..
I'm embarrassed by the way I have/had to deal with things, but I HAD to do it..
You need to look at the WHOLE picture first, before you judge someone...

As everyone WAS BORN into a LIFESTYLE, and if you are the unlucky one, because life haven't give you a good family, or you was born on the "wrong" part of the Earth.. as I experienced so many times in my life, it's very important what passport you are holding if you want to achieve your dreams....so if you want to break out of the circumstances you was born in.... it will take a lots of WORK, STRENGTH and LUCK to change your life for better...strength what you haven't got anymore....
And I've arrived to the point, why I was decided to write about this tweet..let's me try to explain to you what I meant on the circumstances you was born into.
Imagine you was born into a good wealthy family, whom have no financial problems, you had a great life..you did always what you wanted to do..got everything, even things what you was never needed..
You was never suffered from embarrassment about you had to wear "hand me down" clothes..wear high ankle autumn shoes at summer, when everyone was wearing sandals...to try to understand why you can't drink more than one glass of milk, even you still felt hungry...try to understand why your mom cutting up one banana into four pieces, to share it with your siblings...to understand why other kids have things already what you only can dream of...to understand your parents just haven't got any money to buy food sometimes...I know they are silly examples, but I can tell you so many stories of my life, how I had to grow up...anyway...that circumstances made me a person who I am now..made me a person with low self esteem....

..so you grew up in a good way..then one day something bad happens to you..obviously not a sort of thing what was happening to me, as you grew up in a good family, where you was learned to be PROUD who you are.. you was learning to do not let yourself treat badly by others, because you are not depending on no one..but even you grew up in a good way, something bad happens to you, what you can not deal with.
What will you do?? ..I guess you do something what makes you happy..makes you feel good in yourself.
But what do you need, to do things or go somewhere where you feel better and get some energy and strength to put your life back together in order??
You need MONEY to travel, going to your favorite restaurants and eat your favorite meals, buy yourself a new watch, jewelry or clothes, go to the cinema to take your mind away from your problems..to help you dream...or just pamper yourself in a gym or health spa and let your "wounds" heal and make yourself stronger for bad things don't hurt you as much next time..
So you CAN DO anything you wish for to make yourself better..you do not have to worry about financial problems, how you will survive day by day, while you can't work anymore, because you feel so depressed, hopeless and feel exhausted all the time..

Your circumstances allows you to keep your dignity.....

You don't have to worry about how you will make money to look after your two kids alone...because you don't want to start a new relationship with any guy in your daily life, just for the sake of not being ALONE...even you want nothing more than being loved by a special person... to experience the feeling of the TRUE LOVE just once in your life, what you was dreaming about since you was a young girl...

So you don't need to make yourself an absolute idiot front of people, by writing personal stuff on your blog, just try to explain yourself why can't you keep your shops open..explain to strangers how you feel yourself DEEP IN YOUR HEART..
To make them aware of your situation and make them appreciate your work what you can ONLY OFFER in this difficult time of your life...
To make them aware they can support you in a way to survive this horrible time in your life by buying your art and keep your dreams alive and with their purchase they help you to go a step closer to achieve your dreams, what you was giving up for your family many, many years ago, because you was devoted for them, and looked after them and spent all your energy to make them a HOME...

So when someone says that, our actions how we solve our problems defines us, it's so NOT TRUE... Correct me if I am wrong, I would like to hear your opinion about this, to help me to understand life..to help me to see things from a different angle how other people see them...


I feel so sad and embarrassed by they way I had to act and deal with things in the past..that WAS NOT ME.. that was only my circumstances dictating me what I had to do..
I feel, I am a better person than how I was acting in the last months...I never ever wanted to hurt anyone in all my life...so what should I do now...what can I do next????
.
.
I feel ashamed by the fact I had to put a charges against my ex-husband..I few days ago I was asking the police women who is dealing with his case, what other options I had when I found out about that underage child pornography on the ex laptop??
She told me, I done what every person SHOULD DO in my situation..it doesn't matter who is the person is, as not to inform the police it would made me supporting a serious crime...
..
...but to report him, what makes me???
.
.
I am the one, who is still having SLEEPLESS NIGHTS about finding out that horrible truth about him, who I was trusting and give my life to and gave him two beautiful children...

I am the one, who is not sleeping and thinking all the time what will happen with us next??
I am the one who is suffers in every minutes of the thoughts who I was living with..I feel disgusted by it...and even that I still feel horrible to give him up to the police...because even we are divorcing, but he is still the father of my two kids ...
.
.
And seems to me, everyone is forgetting in the divorce court hearing what was the reason I wanted to divorce him in the first place, when I decided I have to stop and to be true to myself for once in my life....they seems to ignore the fact, I wanted to end our marriage, because I couldn't take any more emotional and physical pain, I couldn't take any more verbal abuse, I couldn't take any more humiliation ...
I am the one who is sitting in court and listening how the ex lies, how he twist things to his own way....I am the one who felt horrible, when the judge was mentioning to me, with a tone in her voice: "You was the one who reported your husband to the police.."

And even I KNOW THE TRUTH what really happened....I only find out about his "interest" few weeks later I filed the divorce papers in...so that was not the reason I wanted to divorce him because what the ex had on his laptop hard-drive... THAT JUST MADE IT WORST, because I tried to believe he was a good father, even he taught so many bad things to the kids...
But now I don't trust him anymore with my kids, I lost my trust in him forever...it doesn't matter how the police investigation will end..he will be always guilty to me...
I've seen some of them images and videos..I've seen enough to know it now for sure, who is he really...
I DO BELIEVE, anyone who is interested that kind of stuff, like a child porn, is 100% sure can not be a good father...

And even the court haven't divorced as just yet, my marriage was ended in that minute on April 15th 2011...when I told him I want to divorce him, because he makes me very unhappy how he treating me..the pain being sad all the time hurts me and eventually that suffering pain will kill me if I stay with him any longer...it's not good for the kids to see me sad and being hurt all the time....and even that night, when I told him, he was still try to twist my feelings and tried to manipulate me to change my mind and made me cry again, because he tried to make me believe, he is my best friend....he was never ever my best friend, because a "best friend" should not hurt me, should not hit me...should not cheat on me with my own sister and my friends...

...so I was divorced from him on that night....it's just a matter of paperwork now which will really mean nothing to me...so he can drag the divorce as long as he want it, the next court hearing will be on the 27th September 2012 at 13.00pm.

So that's why I had to reply to that tweet, what is saying our actions how we solve our problems defines us..it's so NOT TRUE, because I was pushed into the corner to do things what I was NEVER EVER wanted to do..but I HAD to do it, because that was the RIGHT thing to do, even was hurting me to do it...
.
.
...so what kind of person it's makes me then??? What do you think who I became ???

I feel horrible in myself....I think that's how must Marshall (Eminem) feels sometimes to write about his life in his songs..but the thing is:
Some people HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN a choice to act in a way how they feel THEY SHOULD ACT DEEP in their HEART ...

I will have to live with this forever now...no matter what..

I've TRIED to be TRUE to MY HEART and look where it's got me...

09 June 2012

Please call me

This is a message to that lady who called me a couple of days ago, but we couldn't continue talking, as I just got home and I was busy.
I tried to call back that number you was calling me on, as I promised to you, but only the answer machine came on, so I left a message there. Please call me up if you can, I would like to hear from you...I didn't meant to be rude, but I was having a shower.
My number is +36304589177 or Skype me: marica.art
or you can write to me on my email: marica.art@btopenworld.com
I am looking forward to hear from you again,
Marianna

15 May 2012

Turning bad things into good..or at least I am trying...

It's been a long time I wrote down my thoughts here..even so may things happened since my last blog post, but I still can't write it down how I feel..it's many reasons for that..and I don't really want to talk about my last divorce hearing either, as I am so tired of it all, only one thing I can say: I still haven't divorced yet, as the ex is pulling the time, he hasn't bothered to come to the last court hearing...so the next one will be on June the 12th, at 13.00pm..whatever...

The reason I wanted to write this post, is to show you my new project and my new style I was working on the last weeks. 
As many of you know, I am going through a very difficult time, which causing me so much pain in the last months by realising many things I haven't noticed before, and this bad experiences made me a different person and made me to see things so much differently as before...I am not sure if it's good or bad..anyway, this is who I am now...what I can do, it's to try to focus on my work more, and by painting again I am hoping to gain more strength emotionally and financially..
As you know, I couldn't paint for over a year now, so I was pretty amazed when one day, I discovered this strong feeling in me...the need of painting. Since I come across a photo of a friend with his blind/autistic nephew, it's become one of my favorite picture.. because I can relate to it, as I have a son and a daughter myself too, and I can feel that caring/protecting emotions what he felt when someone took a photo of them.
For some reason this photo made me to want to paint again, and alter that photo in my dreamy way..I wanted to simplify that picture, by changing the colors and textures, and remove the details, what I think is not as important. I just tried to focus on the emotion itself, by creating a new style. It's look quite similar to Andy Warhol style, but I wanted to create my own way to paint portraits now on. To show people that special moments when the photo was taken, to show it in my own translation, how I see it.
I will offering this style portrait paintings to people who is interesting to order a custom piece through here, by sending me an email to marica.art@btopenworld.com or through my Etsy shop. Now, I will show you some photos how I was creating my new painting.

First I edited  the original color photo to black and white, and took it to a printing shop, where they printed the image on canvas for me.

Then I took the print to a framing shop to frame it, and now it's like a stretched canvas, ready to paint.

First I painted the face over with some oil paint, to cover up the details..

..after drying, it's become really yellow, similar to Andy Warhol's painting...which I wasn't really happy with, even I know that friend like watching the cartoon "Sponge Bob Square Pants"...

..so, I painted them over with a different color oil paint...

..here I painted the faces again with one more layer, to give a dreamy effect, and I painted the hair and clothes too. I left the life jacket in grey, because on the original photo it's red. I think to take the red color out of this picture it's very important, because that color was drawing my eyes away from the faces, which they are the focal point on this photo.
I painted several times the clothes and hair over and over again. Then using my palette knife for a different texture effect, I painted the background with metallic silver acrylic paint.

..more layer of paint on the clothes and hair...

...and I painted the clothes over again..

I painted the eyelashes, and I've signed it. Then I was painted the canvas sides with black, mixing it with a little bronze/gold. This way it's ready to hang on the wall, do not need to frame, to keep to a modern style.

After drying, here is the finish painting.
I am quite scared to show you this project of mine, as it's a very new style for me. I tried to mix reality with my dreamy, fantasy word..and not sure if people will like it...but the thing is, to work on this painting gave me so much good feelings, as I painted it from my heart....

09 February 2012

Welcome back my lost Love...

..my true love, who was always here for me, you are the only one for me to make me feel good, make me feel happy in my heart and my soul...who will never cheat on me whatever happens, even when I get older every day. Who was never interested in my look, how young, or pretty I am...or I haven't got any money, or what family I came from....who was only interested the true real me, who I am inside my soul...
Do you want to know who is that? Here is my story...

Yesterday I gone for an early morning walk, after I took my kids to school.
It was so cold, -11 Celsius, and everything was covered with fresh snow...why is snow always makes look everything like an enchanted forest??
..so I was walking in the Castle park, where is my kids school. And walking in the quiet forest all alone, made me realise things, who I am, where I am going in my life..
My head was full with questions, and no one was there for me to answer it......
It's just so weird, how I was walking and thinking about my life, what this is all about.. I saw signs and I took a photo of them, and I am showing some of them for you now, to understand how I feel inside.
That walk made me realise, I will be always alone in the rest of my life, because for some reason God did not wanted me to have a real love in my life, what only one very special person can give me...I don't know why he decided this way, but I think I started to realise it slowly what is the reason for me to be in this world.
First of all, I am a mother for my two kids, and I try to look after them as much I can, I try to guide them to grow up to be happy adults.
It's very difficult at the moment, as we are going through a very hard time, but I am hoping one day everything will be sorted, and we can start a new life, only the three of us.

This photo is represent my two kids and me. Three little seeds in the cold snow...
I am the one who still inside the freezing snow, try to find my way out in this last months....All the bad things happened to us, it's cold as a snow, but it's always a hope to them seeds to take a root somewhere, when the sun will melt the snow...

When I was a child, I remember to be feeling so lonely in my heart, I never had a good friend who I can talk to, how I really felt deep in my heart, never had anybody in my life to tell my dreams and my fears...

I though when I got married, that's it, my husband will be my "best friend", I thought he was, but just now I realised, he never was my best friend, as he could not possibly, because he never loved me, he used me, he was hurting me so much, and real friends never hurt each other. I thought I was telling him sometimes my deep thoughts, but I only realised it now, them thoughts of mine were only from the surface...the real me was hiding inside me deep down and sometimes came out in my creations, in my paintings.
A few months ago I opened up my heart for someone I felt a connection with, but I have learnt since, it was a mistake to do that...so today I decided to close my heart again and keep my feelings inside me, as I did before. When I saw that gate a little open, I felt it, that is the only way for me to express, how I felt for a few months....I left the gate a little bit open to let that person in, but that person decided to not to enter...so I am locking the gate again.... I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Now on, people can peek through the fence if they want, as it's made out of wire, to see my feelings through my art...but I will never let anyone close to my soul again.
How I was saying in one of my facts: "Creating is my life, I can't live without..." I just realised yesterday, that was so true, that wasn't just an empty sentence, without any meaning.
I try to add at least one photo every day to my Etsy shop...only a little at a time, one step after the next....as I am not recovered yet, so I can only edit a few photo in a day. I tried to draw last night, but I have failed...

So.. I realised it yesterday in my walk, I was never alone, I always had my art, where I was escaping when I been hurt, my art was always there for me...it is my "real love".
Even knowing, art is not a real person, but I guess that's what life dealt me, I can't change that....and do you know what?? ...I am sort of happy I found myself a little already, to realise I have to be alone in the rest of my years, at least I know now what to expect.
Now I understand all them big artists, why they lived alone, why they never met anyone who can love them truly, who they are....because never ever anyone understood their sensitive feelings, and thoughts, people are though they are crazy, just because they were thinking differently as usual...and I am not talking about painters only, I am talking about "Eminem", how Marshall sing about it, he can "only" sing, he can't love someone truly, he thought he did, but he realised it in the end, people was just using him....anyway.. 
It's just so sad, some people have to live lonely, but I will not live with someone just not to be alone.
I feel a little happy I found my passion, my love again for creating, I thought I lost it over the months, but nice and slowly my love for the art is coming back to me. I so needed it, to gain a little strength from it.
Even I still can't paint yet, but I am hoping one day I can pick up a brush again, and I can express myself through my paintings, but until then I will try to show my feelings through my photographs, using different editing techniques on my favorite images.
So, you know it now who is the real love in my life, who will be always here for me, who will never cheat on me, who will never hurt me, who will make me happy in my soul....who want me the way I am...

"My art is about sharing what is in my heart. I don't create to please the world, but I create to express and share myself with anyone who is willing to embrace it... Marianna G. Mills"

03 February 2012

Lies, lies and more lies... When it will be over?

I've started writing this post three days after the court hearing, but I had to stop, as I felt so close to throw up every time when I was thinking back what happened in the court... Over three weeks on, I am still feeling pretty sick over it, but I have to write out some of the stuff from myself and finish this post and publish it.
This might make me feel better and move on a little with my life....so, here it is:

Took me days I can write about what happened in the court, on my second divorce hearing.
Even I was expecting the ex will lie again, but what I have heard was gone well over my expectation...
Makes me sick, just to remember how he was lying in my face and smiling, with his weird, evil grin.

The whole divorce hearing was 4 hours long, 1.5 hours was spent on explaining for the ex, what's happen after when two people divorce. The court paid an interpreter for him, and his lawyer speaks fluently English too, but he still had a problem to understand things, and not because he can't understand the Hungarian language.
It was clear for him what people were saying to him, he understood every word of it what was said in the court room. I was listening to his replies to people and was watching his reactions to everything what he heard and he understood what was going on there. The problem was with him (as always) he just did not want to except the facts what he have to do, and to decide about very important things, to close our marriage down, and finish it once for all.
The judge told him, she can divorce us that afternoon, if we can agree on 6 things. We did agreed on the most important 5 things:
1., I will look after both of the kids, they are staying with me, as I am a good mother, and I was the one always, who was looking after the kids alone, especially while he was away regularly for weeks during the five years since we are living in Hungary.
2., He agreed he can only see the kids in a restricted times, while I am at present, until his Police investigations are over. He can not take the kids anywhere alone until he find not guilty.
As a mother, I had to limit the access to the kids, because I am  not trusting him anymore, I have realised he is not a good father. I tried to believe over the years he is a good father, but I was so blind, I overlooked so many of his bad parenting while he was home with us for that short period of time.
I have realised in the last months, his presence was doing more damage in the kids, than not having him around us at all.
I so wanted to give my kids a better childhood what I had, I wanted to give them a complete family...a father, but all my attempts to live with someone who clearly was just using me wasn't enough...
I know it's not my fault my marriage didn't work, I know I have done everything what one could, but still I feel bad now... I feel I have failed.

3., I agreed I will only receive the minimum amount of child support, which is £180/month per child, so it's £360/month for the two kids. The kids are entitled to have £800-900/month, but I wanted to help the ex, as my intentions were not to ruin him, because one way I was feeling sorry for him, as I really believe he is mentally ill....but after seeing him what he done in the court later on that day, and how he lied and twisted things around for his own benefit, I will ask for the maximum payment next time. Why should I make my kids suffer any more not to have enough money to buy things, when he clearly don't care about them. He still owe them £920 backdated child support.
And I give you one fact here what an inconsiderate person he is.
While he was agreed to pay the minimum amount child support for his children, which is only £360/month for food, clothing, holiday...etc., he is paying his lawyer £800/day for each court hearing....how can you justify that???
The next morning of the court hearing, he came into the school to say bye to the kids, but even my little girl didn't wanted to say nothing to him or kiss him, as my kids are not stupid, they can see me suffer every day of their father's doings. Gigi is always mentioning my hands are shaking so much, Edward try not to say nothing, because he is older and he knows he shouldn't tell me things like that, to not to upset me even more...
So... Gigi run into the school, away from her father, and Edward who is 15 years old, he tried to save his little sister from his own father, not to grab her and force her to give him a kiss. I was a little far behind them, as everything happened too fast, I saw my son try to save his sister, and the ex was pushing Edward away....so that was the scene what I never ever wanted to see, that's broke my heart and I was so upset and angry in the same time. I believed he was recording it all on his iPhone, he must be so "proud" of himself now...no idea whom he want to show that video, what he want to prove with that??? Maybe he want to show it to the court next time, how he try to pressure the kids, when the kids are clearly don't want to have a contact with him??? Anyway, he told me on that morning, he don't care about the court order, he will not give any more child support for the kids, and he will make us suffer and he will ruin me totally financially and emotionally...

But back to what happened in the court:
4., he agreed the kids and me to use the house.
5., we agreed on the house.
When the judge was asking him the final part, the 6th item... he just couldn't made his mind up. The question was for him: to give a list or some sort, what he want to take away from the house with his personal belongings. The judge meant like, the sofa, tv, fridge...etc. The ex was gone all stupid and he couldn't answer the question, what he really need or want from the house. He was saying he want his "life" back...
The judge explained to him, she can not give his "life", he have to decide what he want from the house.

To make a decision easier for the ex, I was even offering him, he can take away everything from the house (except the kids beds and toys), he can leave the house totally empty for us, I don't care anymore about items, I just want a new start with my kids and not to feel stressed, sad, scared about the divorce procedure. I just want to close that part of my life down. I was even offering him again, if "everything" mean that much to him, why he just not pay me off (as he got his family inheritance, his share is approx. £160.000), and I will leave the house with the kids and he can have his "life back".
But that wasn't enough for him... he wanted more...
but I don't think he know exactly what he really want, he never did...he was even asking for the house key, to coming in and out as he wish after we divorced. Even the judge was sort of freaked out of that idea, and she was asking him, what he meant by that?? Then the judge explained to the ex, when two people are divorced, they have two option: 1., To live together under one roof after the divorce.
2., To live separate and he can not have a key to the house again, as he can not expect me to let him in and out of the house after we divorced, because the kids and me are not trusting him anymore and scared of him.
While I was listening to the judge, how she tried to explaining facts to the ex several times...I felt sorry for her, and I felt so embarrassed, I was married to the "man" for 15.5 years....
anyway, sadly I can not turn back the time and change that now. So the judge after 1.5 hours trying to explain basic facts to the ex, she gave up on him and she started the divorce hearing.
The part I never ever wanted to happen, as talking about the past what the ex done to me during that 15.5 years, hurts me in the same way, as it's happened years ago...
But before the judge started it all, she was explaining to the ex several times, she could divorce us on that day, to make it easier for the children and both of us, and will cost less money for everyone if we can agree on that 6th item (what he want to take away from the house with his personal belongings).
She explained to the ex, it doesn't matter how long the divorce hearings will take now, in the end he will still need to decide about that 6th item...
...but obviously the ex is so thick, he just can't get it, so I had to start talking about what happened in the past 15.5 years while we lived together...which made me so sad and stressed to talk about it in public again, how he ruined me physically and mentally, how he raped me a few days after when my son was born, how he was manipulating me over the years, how he punched me so hard in the face one dinner time in the UK, he broke my nose, just because "someone" made him upset at work, how he pulled the phone wire out of the wall with the socket, when I tried to call the police...how I was crying all night when my nose was bleeding and how petrified was my son and me, I will never forget that night, I was too scared to close my eyes, I was so scared the ex will come in my son's bedroom and kill as both..and I was thinking all night what will happens next....then how he was threatening me the next day, he told me will kill both of us if I tell anybody what he done the night before, and nobody will believe me, because I was "only" a Hungarian in the UK, and they will believe him...so just writing it all down again now, makes me so sad and makes me cry again...and I told the judge, how he was spiting in my face regularly front of the kids, just no reason at all, because someone or something made him angry, and I was there to hurt someone, without the fear I will fight back...
He is a very strong man, every time he had a road rage with someone, every men was scared of him and they never wanted to have a fight with him. He looks very scary when he is angry, because he can't control himself at all, he told me many times he just see "red" and nothing and no one can or will ever stop him, he do what he wants.
....so I gone through hell again in that afternoon.....and I couldn't really tell everything at all, because a few hours it's not enough to say it all...and sometimes I feel nobody is care anyway, I am just wasting my breath...

I couldn't tell, how he was holding my head and hit it repeatedly to the wall so hard, it's still showing a lump on the left side of my forehead, especially now it's really visible, because I am losing weight rapidly still and my face gone so skinny now....
how he knocked me to the floor, when I was heavy pregnant with my son, I was scared I will lose my baby, because I was falling to the floor sideways....how he was smacking me with a wet towel, when I tried to move away from his arm's reach...
 how he was shouting in my face all the time, he will kill me and I am just a nobody, useless person in this world....
 how he was leaving the kids and me on the motorway in Germany without any money or passport, he done that a few times, in Hungary too, when I was 8 months pregnant with my son...
when a few times I wanted to leave him in England, he took my passport and credit cards and money away from my purse..and even that I decided to leave the next morning with my son, when he gone to work, he threatened  me, he will find us wherever I will go,and don't even think to go to the police, because they will never believe me, as I have no witness and I knew, everyone will believe him, as he is a charmer and he can act like an intelligent person...and I have learnt by then, many people are pretty racist in the UK, so I had no chance to even explain myself that time, I was so alone there too, I had nowhere to go with my little boy...
I had to learn live with that "man" and have sex when he wanted it. After he raped me, I was in a deep shock, as I couldn't tell anyone, I felt so embarrassed front of myself, he done that to me, I did not wanted to happen again, so I sort of let him to do it...I tried all the excuses you can imagine to not to let him near me, I even eat so much and gained weight to make myself ugly and fat, but that not stopped him to find me attractive....on 2001.1st of July (I know that exact date, as I wrote it down in my diary), and I still remember so clearly what happened.. we was in Liverpool in a hotel and he wanted to have sex again, and I thought we are in a "safe" place, so I tried to not let him to do it...but he hit me several times, then he forced me down to the bed, holding my mouth not to scream and he raped me again....he didn't know I will not scream, as my 5 years old son was sleeping in the same room, and I did not wanted him to wake up and see what his father was doing to me...then when he finished he hit me again, why did I just lay there like a "log", and he told me it's something wrong with me, because I can't enjoy sex, I am not a "real" woman....the next morning I was broken down in tears in the breakfast area, and the cleaner was asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell her, as I was scared of the ex and I knew no one will believe me....
 then I got pregnant with my little girl, and I thought things will get better for us...but I only realised it now, I was the one who changed over the years, I "buried my head in the sand" every time the ex was hurting me, I was escaping to my fantasy world where creating and painting took my pain away...
....so, so many many cruel things he done to me, he kicked my bed several times during the night (while he was going in the kitchen for his nighttime snacks) to wake me up and don't let me sleep through the night, he ruined me totally and makes me so sad I only realised it a few months ago, how much he was emotionally manipulating me over the years.
The worst thing is, every day I remember more and more..I tried to forget them, but all the bad memories are coming back to me, which is so hard to get over and try to move on...I just still feel in shock and feel drained down and I feel exhausted.

...so, the next divorce hearing will be on the 3rd of April 2012 at 1pm, and I have no hope anymore will be end that day. I just wish I have enough money to pay the ex off to get him out of my life, and leave us alone. I know he only interested in the money, nothing else is important to him, never was.
I never want to see him again, and I do not want to have anything to do with him anymore.
But sadly life is not that simple, I know I will have to go through hell, and I am just so worried I am not that strong to keep going.
I know it's all my fault to be here, where I am now, I sort of left him to do whatever he wanted to do with me.... but looking back, I still believe I had no other choice.
I know to read all this, what happened to me, it's sounds unbelievable, and I haven't told everything yet, as I can't write about some things in public still, not to interfere with the ex police investigations...so maybe it seems too much what I have gone through, and I know people can't understand, why just now I've realised things, why I lived like that for 15.5 years??? ...believe me, when it's happening to you, you are right in the middle of this, you just can't see it what is going on around you...until you have enough, you can't take any more pain and your body gives up on you, and you having stress attacks at nights for over a year, then you accidentally come across to know someone, who you feel a connection with, and who you can trust for some reason...then you open up your heart and try to be true to yourself just for once in your life....so that was happened to me.

I wanted to write about what the ex was lying about, what is his reasons to divorce me...but today I was thinking it's no point to write anything down what he was laying in the court, because they are only his lies, so they don't matter.
Today I was thinking lots again about it, what was going on in the court, and one thing is really bothering me...I just feel so unfair what was happening there.
The thing is, when I decided back in last year beginning of April I want to divorce that "man" after I realised my life is just not worth living like that anymore...I just had enough...I can't take anymore pain, I tried to live with someone who never deserved me, who was treated me so badly from the right of the beginning of our marriage, I can not let my kids to see me suffer and being unhappy every day...and to be scared in every second in my life, when is the ex will start on me again.... I realised it that time, life is just too short to live like that..and when I see my kids to suffer from it too, I had to draw a line and say it to myself: "That's it, I can't do this no more, I need to change my life!"

..so when the judge was asking the ex, what is his reasons to divorce me, I felt it's so unfair to even asking him that question, because until the court date, he did not wanted to divorce me, he was begging me on the phone a day before not to divorce. I know exactly his reasons are not because he is "madly in love" with me...maybe he is...anyway,so I really believe he just don't want to lose his comfort. Because all this 15.5 years we lived together, I was the one who done nearly everything, sorting the bills out, cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids, booking his flight tickets, washing, I was the one who was dealing with the builders and plans and paper works when the house was built and when we moved here..I was doing everything, even working from home, so that is his reason he just don't want to give all this up.
I can say it now, I was his slave in every way you can imagine, and because he is worried to not to have me, who he can hurt and pick on regularly, because the ex needs that constant feeling, he is "owns" someone.
I just feel so sick and sad to only realise it now, when is too late.
What I know and feel at the moment...I am ruined totally in every way... I am exhausted, and I feel I have no energy left in me to keep "fighting" for my rights to be free and happy.

And this saying is so true, I was always believed it, and now I will learn it in the hard way:
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

...my question is: Will I survive it??? ...will I be strong enough to keep going, where will I get my energy from?? ...questions,questions and nobody can answer it for me...I feel so alone.

12 January 2012

It's all started...

so...the second divorce hearing is today afternoon at 1pm, please think of me.
I wanted to write down some of my thoughts before the court hearing, because I know today afternoon will be another start of my life...I feel it...and I am not meaning a good way.
It's so hard to write again, but I have to do it, because writing in public is the only way, I can deal with the ex and the situation he caused.
I need to write about this in public, because I had to keep everything in myself for the past 15.5 years, as he never let me to talk to anyone (not even to my family) about what is going on behind closed doors. How he was hurting me mentally and physically, and how he was manipulating me since we met. He made me believe, that every women was hurt by their husband, and to come from a family where I was witnessing domestic violence nearly every day. That made me believe him, it's sort of normal what he was doing to me...he ruined me forever.
I feel so sick now, since I found out it's not normal to be hurt by someone. I feel so stupid and naive.
 I just wish I had somebody I could have talked about things like that before...about life and relationships...but I never had a real friend in all my life, who I could have shared my feelings and my fears with... until a few months ago, when I realised what is going on around me and that person presence woke me up from this horrible nightmare...that person gave me back the NEED of my self respect.

The ex still tries to manipulate me and emotionally blackmailing me and my kids, but I try to fight against it...it's really hard to do it alone, but I have to be strong for my kids sake. And this is the reason I need to keep writing things down in here, so everyone can see what is going on with me, and maybe someone might learn from my mistakes.
The other reason to write this post is, to let people know, I couldn't put together as much money as I wanted in my earlier post, so I took my kids to a two week holiday at Christmas and New Year. I took them in Paris for a few days, then we went to Spain to help us relax a little and try to forget about all that bad things what was happening with us in the last months.
Edward and Gigi enjoyed their holiday so much, that was their Christmas present, instead of gadgets and toys. I wanted to give them good life experience what they will always remember, what nobody can take away from them. I took them to new places to discover and I wanted to give them dreams what they can achieve one day when they will grow up.
But the ex already threatened me yesterday in one of his email, he wants to put an order on the kids today and I can not take them anywhere again...he was always treating my kids and me like we are his possessions.
The things is, he knew I will take the kids on holiday this Christmas, as I told him (even it's very hard for me to talk to him, but I need to do it for my kids) and he said it's a good idea and he called up on the day we left Hungary and he was wishing them a great time. But I always forget he is a mentally ill, he is a psychopath (I have realised this a few weeks ago, that would explain his strange behaviour) and he changes his mind so quick how it's suit him the best in that moment.
He still wants to manipulate us and make us to do what he wants, even if it's bad for the kids. But I will try to save my kids from any more pain, he could cause them, because I know now, what sort of person he is.
Today will be a very hard day for me, I really don't know what to expect from it. Will be interesting to see, how the whole process will go, as the ex will be there too this time. Seems to me, most of the people who are involved in this divorce, forget or ignore what sort of things he has on his old laptop hard drive. I do believe when two young children involved in a divorce in the situation like mine, should be considered to dealt with much quicker and do not let to wait when something bad things could happen...but I will find out this very soon.
I know already, the divorce procedure will take so long. I wish I have the money to pay him off to leave us alone.
Please think of me, I know I will be going through hell again, to speak about what he did to me in all these years, and tear up bad memories, but I guess I have to do it, to help me to say it out of myself what I tried to forget, but obviously I can not forget them, as they are hurting me as much still, when they happened.


PS: I wrote this post early this morning, and as I said it's all started...
Yesterday the ex arrived to Hungary from the UK, for the court hearing. He called me up several times in the evening, and was asking me if he can stay in the house overnight. Obviously I said no, because I am scared of him so much now, I don't really know anymore what he is capable of, since he knows I know things about him, who is he really. I agreed to let him to see the kids in the morning front of the school at 7.55am.
I couldn't sleep again all night, as I was worried he will try to come in the house. I feel exhausted now.
He called me up in the morning at 7am, he is front of our house with his rented car and he wanted to take us to school. I told him, I will take the kids to school, and was asking him, why is he thinks I will sit in the same car with him. I was asking him again to leave front of the house, as he is blocking the way for me to drive out with our car from the garage, and we can meet front of the school before 8am, as we agreed last night on the phone. Then he lost his temper again, and started shouting at me and swearing, why he can't park front of the house in the driveway... So I was waited he will drive away, but he just stayed there, so I had to call the Police to advice me what should I do, because I am scared to go out with the kids to the car, because the ex is angry again. The Police said they will come out and they told me to don't go outside alone until they arrive. By 7.40am the ex drove away, so I called up the Police they don't need to come out, he is gone. The time I put the phone down, the Police arrived, so I told them what happened and they was asking me if I want them to follow me to the school. I agreed with it, because my son said, he is worried now.
We arrived to the school and the ex gave the kids some presents again and when he saw the Police car turned up, he gone angry with me again and called all names front of the kids. I took the kids in the school, as I didn't wanted any more argument front of the school, and we was late by then too.
The time I came out from the school, the ex parked his rental car next to mine, in a way I hardly could open my door. I sit in the car quick and locked the doors straight away, as I felt unsafe, even the Police was near by. The ex jumped out of his car and started to force open the car door on me, and was hitting the window, tried to break it in, and he was nearly kicked the car door side in, but he stopped himself, as he likes the car...and he was shouting to me several times he will kill me. The Police was there in a few seconds time next to us, and I opened my door and got out of the car. I was in such a shock and was shaking so badly, I was really scared.
The Police man told me to leave the ex with them and just drive away, they will stay with him.
I am still shaking how I am writing all this down, but I have to do it, to let you know what was going on this morning before the court hearing. I was really scared to come back home alone, but I had to wrap some of my orders to ship them today to my customers, as I reopened my Etsy shop again for a few weeks, to earn some money. I am so worried about my kids now, hopefully they are safe in the school, but I need to leave now to see my lawyer this morning.
Please think of me.